Oh no!

So, somehow... I forgot my livejournal account. It could be that I haven't signed on to the sucker in over a year (opps!) or that I... just felt like a change. I mean, come on, Livejournal is such a money grabbing whore. Okay, so maybe that's not true but I like to pretend it is. And naturally, anything by Google is so much better! *Inserts ass kissing sounds here*

Anyway, its late. Okay, its early, its almost seven in the morning and I've been up since four-thirty. I got three hours of sleep and I tend to blame it on several things. I was thirsty, I was hot, I'm so stressed out because of a friend that I'm sick to my stomach and can't get him off my mind, which in turn forces me to play out a variety of conflicts in my head. Not all with him, mind you, because that would be like... borderline obsession, but everyone. I imagined my father embarrassing me in front of a guy (not the same guy as my friend) and me arguing with him about how he never remembers anything and how could he possibly remember such and such.

That's how my brain works, it really is sad.

Also, I've been depressed. I've tried to ignore it because I know I can beat it, but it really has me good now and while I don't blame it on my friend, our disagreement really hasn't helped. I'm so sensitive right now that I don't know what to do. I sort of cling to my friends while at the same time say nothing to them. Its like... I don't know. Its like those deep dark fantasies you have that you know if you tell people are going to hate you for. And I hate that I know that I've had bad thoughts. But I like to think that so long as I talk myself out of them and realize that they aren't right, I'm doing better than I could be.

For all you frightened for me now, no I am not considering death. I will have my babies, damn you!

College, largely has gotten me down. And so has my dad as well as Jasmine. People constantly tell me that I need to worry about my own shit and not about theirs, but they are my shit. Jasmine made a comment to me the other day about how weird it was that I had to remind my dad what it is he likes to eat. But its been like that for years now. Ever since my mom has passed he's rather become more and more dependent on me. And it is weird. I mean, how many people sit on the phone with their parents and go through the general grocery list to help them remember what it was they forgot? Or calls up to remind when there is a week or two before an important birthday? If certain things aren't his in clothes, he won't remember if someone says to wash and then hang to dry, so he'll hang everything to dry just to be sure (since he's already shrunk a few of my clothes after my telling him not to dry them and he did it to my mom too). He'll remember beer but will forget bread. I even purchased a small notebook for him and wrote out instructions, with diagrams, to help him remember how to fix his cell phone or the tv or the computer. I decided to do that last summer after him calling me constantly to ask me how he gets the tv to work right or what's wrong with the computer or how to do something on his cell phone. I don't have the same cell phone as him to begin with and I don't have a video phone so I can't see what he sees but yet he expects me to fix it.

He's smart, don't get me wrong, and I don't know if its the alcohol or the lack of caring that has just made this become more and more of a hassle. How retarded is it that I ended up crying last Easter because after two years of learning not to expect anything from my father, my aunt brings over a small bag of things as an Easter present? I end up having to repeat myself three to five times over things with him constantly yelling and disagreeing with me, getting frustrated at me, until he finally figures out what it is I'm saying. And then is like "Oh, well, why didn't you say so?"

I also heard my dad cry a few days ago and that made me cry. He cried because I'm sending Christmas cards to men and women in Iraq and he was telling me about Veitnam and how when he came home from war people hated them (the military) and called them all baby killers. And then there is Kendra who... I don't know what is going on with her but my dad likes her and she is sorta back in the picture now.

Then I love Jasmine, don't get me wrong, but half the time I feel like she isn't talking to me. Dad's no help in this because he can't even get her guy friends' names right. He can't even freaking describe them to me so I know who they are, and I know she's having issues. Dad has become an unreliabe source. Earlier this morning he was saying that Jasmine seemed down and I had to wrack my brain to figure out why. Was it the dickhead of her boyfriend, or the lying, cheating friend of hers? Or was it her mom? And her mom is so much worse than my dad, which makes me feel bad if I end up bitching at her about him. And she waits to tell him her problems, so I end up telling him her problems because I don't want him doing it. My dad is a good guy but you have to say something for him to know something is wrong.

College... well... is college. Who isn't stressed to the point of depression in college? Or hasn't been some point in their life. I really don't want to go back to QVCC (Quinebaug Valley Community College), hell, I don't want to go back to college for a semester at all but I have to if I want insurance. And I hate that dad keeps pressuring for UConn (University of Connecticut). You know, I know my GPA and I know I'll never be accepted there because of the issues I had in QVCC when my mom passed away. My other college option, CCC (Capital Community College), is in Hartford. I hate driving through Hartford and now I'll have to drive in to Hartford. I've done that once and almost got hit by a firetruck. That makes for a great impression, doesn't it?

The depression has gotten so bad that I hate the thought of being touched by at the same time I really, desperately want a shoulder to cry on. Even text just makes my skin crawl in an unpleasant way. I hate to say it, because I know it will sound stupid, but when it happens its no better than being molested. And I've said things to people but I don't think its really set in with them and I hate to sound like some dumbass or end up whining about it because its just the way our friendship has always been.

Right now the only thing that is bringing me pleasure are books, and even that is fading to the background. I have about twelve books that I've purchased that I have yet to read. And I know they're books I want to read because I've either read prequels to them or I love the author or when I purchased them they sounded really, really good.

Beyond losing my friend, the idea of going on anti-depressants really bugs me. Its even above failing college. Because really, right now, I could give a shit about college. I hate feeling like I'm in an isolated bubble, which is what anti-depressants make me feel, and I think that its probably worse now because I haven't really tried making friends in college this semester since I knew I was leaving.

Right now, I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself to the whole world and no one is listening. Or they don't care. I'm feeling desperate and alone. I'm hating people out of turn just because of jealousy.

I don't know what I want and I don't know what to do. All I know is what I don't want but I seem to be getting that anyway. I feel a bit better after writing this but... that doesn't change so many things in my life. Just makes me more aware of what's wrong in it and what I have to work at changing.

I so feel like banging my head against a wall until I pass out so I don't have to deal with it.

Here is a poem I wrote just before this that... really sucks but I'm going to post it anyway. It will make any other poetry I apply here look so much better.

The moon was dark
The night was endless
The stars no more did they shine

You came to me
In your tenderness
And in my arms you died

My tears meant nothing
My heart so sore
The scorn of our arguments fade to no more

The questions I gave you
The love that we had
Everything is gone, it’s really quite sad.

A charming prince
A friend of untold caliber
A moment’s price too deep

I wonder at times,
If we could have prevented this
But no reply has come that I seek

As nights turn to days
And days into months
I know the ache will begin to fade

But there’ll be that day
When a memory about you
Will bring the pain to stay.

I wish it were different
I wish it weren’t true
But the wish is impossible as a dream.

One day you were here
And now you are gone
I wonder if you ever felt this way.

If no is the answer,
Though I can’t hope that’s true
Ignore my memory like a song.

If yes is the answer,
Then I’ll see you
And our dreams and our hopes will live on.

So, yeah, I'm done for now. It was a lot to take in, I'm sure, but its a new blog. One is required to write a brief but epic detail of their life.